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The story behind the book:

I sit in disbelief as my doctor gently touches my arm, looks me squarely in the eyes, and says:

“It’s time to look into other options- surrogacy or adoption. Or maybe even a child-free life?”

I watch his mouth move, and his words swirl around the room as my heart breaks into a million little pieces. All the while, trying to figure out if what he is saying is true. I can’t begin to fathom the meaning of these words. In this moment, or for my life.

Three years of fertility treatments.

Three years of hoping and dreaming and praying and begging. Three years of anticipation and disappointment hang here in this room.

Just six years prior, I stood in a delivery room and watched my brother's girlfriend, give birth. After hours of sweating and writhing and begging for it to be over, the nurse announced, “There.She.Is.—just one more push!” A groan and a push and suddenly, there she really was, a perfect new life. 

I watched as she held the baby to her chest, breathed in her scent, stroked her soft tuft of hair, and kissed her for the very first time. 

Love filled the room. I had never experienced anything quite like it before and, though I had always known I wanted to be a mother, this moment made it real: I wanted that for myself more than anything else.

But instead of ‘there she is’ — I was here, in this dimly -lit room - being told: “there won’t be.” 

I smile at my doctor but I can’t look him in the eye. Tears are swelling and I know they will soon spill over. I leave the room and walk to my car…in a fog so surreal, I can’t even place my surroundings - feeling the weight of the air around me on my shoulders. I’m not sure what to do. What is the next step when you’re told your biggest dream is not possible? 

(You can hear the rest of the story on episode 20 of my podcast)